And there I was, standing on the edge. Feet torn to shreds by the sharp, jagged contours of the rocky surface below them. Bruises on my sides where my battered and overworked ribs were barely able to support my lungs, and the salt stinging the lacerations on my cheeks below my sunken, malnourished eyes. Nothing in front of me, everything I was running from behind me.
Time. I didn’t have much more than a moment. They were closing in behind me. The broken skin on the back on my neck seared in fear of them catching me up. I was in the right place, I was sure of it, but couldn’t see the way in front of me. Just darkness, endless darkness like the last time. Years of searching, could I be wrong again? I needed more time to be sure.
Tired. I had been running for so long I was barely aware of what I had left behind. I had to keep going. I had no choice. The torn and tattered remains of my clothes offering little in the way of comfort. I yearned to feel the sun was shining on my face as it once had. Its warmth was now a distant memory; it couldn’t reach this far down. There was no going back. There could be no return journey. The only option was in front of me. Could I do it? Could I fall further down into the abyss? Deeper than I had ever been before. Could I survive down there? Could I somehow make it out alive? Could I risk failing again?
Trepidation. I had lingered here and thought for too long. I could tell they were barely a moment away. I felt the last bubbles escape my mouth, rushing past my ears. Time had run out. I had to act now. Would I sink or swim? Would I rise or fall? Would I reach the end? It was now or never. It was my last chance.
As I leaped into the darkness, I saw in the distance the outline of what I was looking for. For just a brief moment, had a feint glimmer of light had revealed the truth? It was so far away, was it there or had I imagined it? Years of searching, had I finally found it? It was so far away, How could I ever reach it? It was exactly what I had imagined it would be. Had I come to believe in the stories so deeply that the lack of oxygen in my lungs had tricked my mind?
I had to know. I had to find out for myself. My lungs screaming for the air that I had left behind, my muscles fighting every command as I plummeted deeper and deeper into the dark unfathomable depths. I felt like my body was being torn out from inside me. Even if it were there, I would never make it alive. As I closed my eyes to conserve my strength, I felt the water pushing me back from my goal. One last push. A thousand tiny hands preventing my body from moving. I could not breathe, I could no longer move. This was it. I had failed. Life was leaving my body, the pain become distant and detached. I fell slowly and calmly into a sense of nothingness.
Nothing. There was just nothing. Not hot or cold, no up no down, no light or dark, no pain. Comfort. I had at last found the peace and comfort I had spent a lifetime searching for. I sighed, relaxed and started to drift from this reality. My last thought was of how easy I found breathing had become. How easy. I was breathing again. Breathing so freely I could not remember ever feeling this free. Could it be real? Could I actually be breathing without a body? As I left the conscious world I remember thinking, “Perhaps, just perhaps I had made it”